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One of my all time favorite poems by one of my favorite poets...
This is dedicated to my two girls.
Mari who has always had my heart and who i will always love with all of it. Lovely, you are still my peka, still my light in the darkness. You are an amazing strong woman and everything will be ok through time. And in the moments when its not , i will always be there to hold your hand. I love you.
North, you are my family now. My sister but more, my roommate but more, my nonsexual life partner. (lol) You are there when i think im crazy and you join in with me. You are the only invited guest to my pity parties and the only person i can spent an entire weekend with watching ONLY disney movies with.You are my moonbeam and my therepist. I love you.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
not fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
(e.e. cummings) |
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Sep. 27th, 2005 @ 08:16 pm
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Today i realized what a complete waste my life is. I work right across the street from a Law school and day in and day out i see these smucks carring books as large as my head and as thick as the pride that it hurts. Hurts that they are no better than me, no smarter (ok, maybe a little bit smarter) no more worthy or more special than me and they are actually going somewhere with their lives. Here's something i NEVER in a million years thought i would say; I miss school. God if i could only go back and do it all again. I would have studied harder. I would have gotten the grades my teachers and parents and stanardized (hahah i cant spell and yet i think im smart thats amusing) tests told me i could have. I would have done homework and writen papers and listened instead of passed notes and doodled in notebooks. I would have been a nerd and a dork (what a wale penis??) and stayed home on saturday nights. I would have done everything differently. I would have attended law school or been a doctor or a librainian. I would have some decency, some honor, some work ethic that doesnt include "That will be $7.77 and is that for here or to go?" I would have made a difference with my life. I wouldnt have let a boy or a dance or a date or a church stop me from having a future. I would have gone thousands in debt to have a future. I would have put everything else aside to be actually going somewhere with my life. Why didnt i see that then? When i was still young and stupid and innocent and still had a chance. Why didnt i see that i was going nowhere and that my stupid fucking parents were right? Where am i now? Serving coffee and donuts to girls i went to high school with, girls who did no better or worse than me. Why do they have law school, why do they have college, why do they have life by the horns and i have nothing but debt and fear and trials?
God, i would have done it all differently...Current Mood:  uncomfortable |
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You are trying to prove to others that nothing can really affect you. You are pretending to be stoical - indifferent to pain or pleasure and indeed even superior to any form of weakness. As a result, more often than not, you unfortunately act with undue harshness or severity by adopting an autocratic and self-willed attitude.
Recently you have been experiencing considerable mental anguish and turmoil. You are bored and discontent. Nothing seems to be going right for you. Even your relationships aren't working out and you don't quite know which way to turn.
Being a very proud individual, you tend to hold yourself aloof pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain and pleasure. This is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional individual, one that may make a hasty decision and perhaps regret it at leisure. It is time now to break the bond of detachment and be the 'you' that you would like to be - give vent to your emotions and enjoy yourself.
All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.
You are presently worried about your future and you feel that whatever you do will go wrong. At this time you are your own worst enemy. All the disappointment that you have experienced, coupled with the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals, have led to anxiety. You would like recognition and a position of trust but you are concerned that these hopes and dreams may not be realized. You are very argumentative and insistent that you are right - maybe you are - but you are pushing too hard. Take it easy, let go, and smile. Smiling and agreeing with people works wonders - try it and see.
http://www.colorgenics.com
try it...you'll like itCurrent Mood:  amused |
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Sep. 14th, 2005 @ 06:25 pm
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I miss JUST kissing. First kisses, sexy kisses, wine kisses, open mouth kisses, neck kisses, second kisses, third kisses, drunken kisses, fourth kisses, fifth kisses, sweet kisses, slow kisses, quite kisses, loud kisses, gentle kisses, mad kisses, lustful kisses, moaning kisses, goodbye kisses, hello kisses, sixth kisses, seventh kisses, one millionth kisses, love kisses, like kisses, slow dance kisses, grinding kisses, movie date kisses, ice cream kisses, rain fall kisses, rainbow kisses, pizza kisses, giving kisses, receiving kisses, Saturday night kisses, Sunday morning kisses, orgasmic kisses, lazy kisses, peck on the cheek kisses, biting kisses, teasing kisses, one and only kisses, married kisses, girlfriend kisses, friend kisses, lonely kisses, happy kisses, sorrowful kisses, I’m there for you kisses, crying kisses, sunshine kisses, flowery kisses, poison kisses, passion kisses, bitchy kisses, jealous kisses, skittle kisses, woe-ing kisses, sidewalk sale kisses, bubble gum kisses, tomboy kisses, femme kisses, short lived kisses, long kisses, mango kisses, stable kisses, extraordinary kisses, role play kisses, comfort kisses, shocked kisses, expected kisses, devastated kisses, sea side kisses, porch kisses, nature kisses, city kisses, train kisses, sunset kisses, romantic dinner kisses, sushi kisses, make up kisses, make out kisses, upward kisses, downward kisses, sideways kisses, cute kisses, caption kisses, princess kisses, wrap up kisses, playful kisses, strong kisses, weak kisses, bonding kisses, apple brown betty kisses, happily ever after kisses, just for now kisses, parting is such sweet sorrow kisses, Juliet and Juliet kisses, just kissing...the right personCurrent Mood:  complacent |
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LIZ'S RANT I
(although tec i rant all the time, this is the first one i've titled. hehe and foamy is my inspirtation. hehe)
They say that if you let someone go they’ll come back to you if it’s meant to be. But how does one know what is or isn’t meant to be? Do you just sit back and have faith that one day your love will come floating back to you on cloud made for two? Do you date around, love around, walk aimlessly around, until they’ve decided to love you again, if they ever do. And why do us hopeless romantics, us optimists, us dreamers, always end up waiting around for good things to “Just happen” to us. Why do I have to wait for her to realize that we deserve another chance at this? Why do I have to sit on the sidelines cheering her on while she gets her heart played with by another? And as a good friend I continue to buy hot dogs and diet cokes and watch the game, whispering plays in her ear when she wants me to. Why do I have to mope around waiting, wondering, wishing for a second chance with the only woman I will ever love? Why should I date around, make googly eyes at other woman? Perfectly fine woman, woman who are beautiful and kind and funny and just plain old amazing. But woman I will never love and who will forever be compared to that ONE woman who I am still waiting for. How is that fair to them? To me? To her? How long do I wait before I resign to old maid hood? 30’s? 50’s? 60’s? If I’m still waiting for her by then does that make me a hero or a zero? Does that make me a romantic or a sap who wasted her entire life being devoted to a woman who will never love her back? Does that make me an amazing hearted person or a pathetic loser who just doesn’t know when to cut her loses and when the fuck to move on? Some days I feel like both…
You know what I hate? People who make those damn ugly deals. Deals like “If neither of us is married by the time were 35, we’ll get married ok?” WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!??! So instead of waiting for love, instead of trusting fate, your going to settle down with your “best friend” of the opposite gender and raise a family? What kind of bullshit is that? Doesn’t everyone deserve their chance to spend the rest of their life with their true love? Doesn’t everyone deserve their chance to spend the rest of their life honoring, cherishing, and protecting that one person who makes their heart skip a beat, that one person who can make you cry because their soul is just that beautiful and you can see it every single time you look into their eyes? (Peka, when I tell you that your beautiful this is what I mean, not only your outsides but what I can see in your eyes) So can the fucking crap about marrying your gay best friend or whatever, just because both of you are alone and feeling pathetic. It may be fun, and you know what, it may even work out. But will you wake up one day at age 60 and be bitter and miserable because you never got a chance to find your soul mate? Because you choose mediocre happiness over the real deal.
God I use a lot of slang and clichés. Its kinda sad that someone for whom writing is a passion, I still can not come up with a single original thought. Maybe that’s because every single thing, every single emotion has already been said and expressed and over processed so we just rephrase it over and over again trying our best to sound provocative or intelligent or somehow insightful. Only I never do. I exist merely to pine and ache and long for things I will never have. Either that or to cure cancer and if the second is truer than the first then I have a lot of catch up to do. Only I am not smart enough for that one, I got a C in chemistry. It just wasn’t for me and the teacher didn’t speak English any better than my dogs and there was this girl who hated me, that distracted me constantly with her trying so hard NOT to look at me, and I was trying just as hard not to look at her and that was because if we ever were to look at each other one of us would turn to stone with hate and the other would waver with forgiveness and she wasn’t ready then, she didn’t trust then, she hated me then all because I had chosen her and I hate myself for hurting her even though this entire story is long time gone and doesn’t even matter to anyone any more. Her ghost still haunts me when I say things like crucify, push pop, or friend. And I can’t even hear her voice anymore inside my head when I read her writings. I use to be able to, just as she use to be able to read my thoughts and know when something was wrong simply from a hello. And I ache to have a friend like that again. Someone I can trust whole heartedly with all my fucked up thoughts and know she will understand. What does she sound like when she trusts, does she trust? How could I forget something so simply, so important? And why do I think of her when I think of first heart break, and why do I think of Joe and date rape, and why do I think that waiting forever just wont be long enough to get my light back. And the questions keep on coming and Zac keeps on drumming and my head hurts from all the pressure. Why do I continue to write about people who do not give a flying fuck, who can let go of the past when I cannot? Who can look towards the future and forget my name and all my tears become the rain that waters their flowers of denial.
And the only thing I’m in denial about is that fact that I’m so damn fat. I’ll be feeling good about myself, walking down the street with my head held high, knowing that my makeup is perfect, that my clothes fit just right, just tight enough in the “right” places. And I’m singing a song and walking along just fine. Until I walk past a glass plate window, a mirror in the mall, a car window, anything that reflects my fat ass back up at me. And my confidence, my self-love, my smile all wash down the drain with the Pepto I took last night to keep my dinner up and my acid down. And I don’t know what to do. I know I’m fat, I can see my chub every single time I look in the mirror, my triple chins and my face so circular that my nose looks like a gathering of bone inside a ball of lard. I have to shape, no figure, no curves, no muscles. All I have is ROUND, LARGE, and nasty. How can people look at me and find this attractive? How can people be my friend and not tell me that I am such a monster. How can a girl who looks like me ever have the confidence that I once had. I use to think I was beautiful, what happened? When did I become this ogre? Or has my self-love fallen away with her love? I wish there was a magic pill I could take, a surgery I could afford, or a God I could pray to that could lift this curse and make me human again. And you know what’s even more funny? The fact that until about two weeks ago, I never realized how truly fat I was. I mean I’m not blind, I knew I was a big girl, but I never knew hot big until two Saturdays ago. Let me tell you an embarrassing, shameful secret of mine. I have always judged myself based on other people. “OH, I’m fat but I’m not AS fat as that woman who just walked by in her spandex pants and too tight shirt with her sixteen rolls popping out, so I must be ok.” Or “Ohhh, I’m fat but I’m not AS fat as that man with his shirt tucked in and the beer gut the size of Montana, so I must be ok.” See, people and gentleman I am truly the WORST kind of fat person. I make myself feel better by not being AS fat as someone else is and that’s just not right. But that all changed on Saturday. “I’m not as fat as her am I?” I asked my “best friend” of a beautiful black woman who I figured was at least twice the size of me, by height and weight. And she just looked nervous and didn’t say a word, looking down at her feet and changing the subject as fast as she could. “WHAT!!!!!!!” I thought, how could she possibly think that I am AS fat as that woman who I thought was WAY fatter than me? And that my brothers and sisters is when I realized that my prospective has always been WAY off and I truly am as fat or fatter than ½ of the people I have made myself feel better by weighing inside my head. And that is when I made myself sick and I could no longer look in the mirror. Welcome to the fucked up world of Lizzie the FAT clown. And you know what I have exercised, I have eaten better, and you know where it gets me? Sore, tired, hungry and miserable. So I guess the question remains, do I want to be a monster or do I want to be sore, tried, hungry, and miserable? The world may never know…
Ok, I guess I’ll stop ranting now…it feels good to get off my chest the exact same things I always get off my chest. I guess they will always keep coming back and clinging to me until I cure myself of them once and for all. We’ll see…
Join us again next week for Liz’s Rant II! Same fat time, same fat channelCurrent Mood:  angry |
| » Sorry im ranting got a little upset yesterday.. |
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July 4th 2005, An Op/Ed by: Elizabeth M. Staten
Yesterday I experienced one of the truly most disturbing things of my life. The date July 4, 2005, the birthday of our great country. Moreover, not a single friend of mine thought it was anything but another day to complain about their disappointment in our Government. However, to me, yesterday was still a day that should make every single one of us proud to be an American. Sadly, these days, most of my generation just is not proud to be anything.
I see small children proudly waving flags and “ooh”ing over the fireworks, not really sure what they are celebrating but knowing that Mommy and Daddy are supporting all the fun. I see adults, usually thirty-five and older, crying as the National Anthem plays. Standing swollen with pride, behind their country 110%! I see troops of all ages proudly saluting our flag and our President. Moreover, as I look around I wonder where are all the 20-somethings? Why do I stand here in a peerless crowd? What is it about the ages of 16-34 that makes you stop believing in this country? What is it about the youth of America that allows them to hate or simply not care about a country that has made them everything they are today?
Every single day we take advantage of the luxuries, of the power, of the choices, of the good things that come with being an American. Nevertheless, all I hear out of the mouths of our young people is abhorrence for this beautiful country. When I speak to my friends over coffee, when I stand on the corner waiting for the bus, when I eat dinner with my little sister; all I hear is problems, doubts, difficulties, and revulsion over the injustices we still face today.
Now, I will be the first person to tell you that this country definitely has problems. Gays and lesbians will never serve this country proudly unless they are willing to hide part of who they are. They will never be allowed to marry or adopt while President Bush serves his time. People of color still hear the disrespectful words that will haunt them until someone stands up and declares such hate unacceptable. People with disabilities still find it hard to locate work, to navigate around some public places and are still forced to pay out of the nose for expensive heath care. People are still hurt and discriminated against every single day simply because of their race, creed, and sexual orientation. People are living in poverty or are homeless. Children are living without family and are staying in the system for much longer than necessary. There still is crime, rape, murder, pain, and terrorism. I will not cover those injustices with pretty words or lies. Sadly, these things do happen here in the country that I love so much.
The difference is that American’s realize their downfalls. We know we have come so far, but that our work will never be done. And we are ok with that! As time passes, things change. That is how the world has always been and most likely always will be. We all are working on these problems. The President, Congress, our Senators, our police officers, our Armed Forces, and all of the private groups; they are all striving to make this country a better place for everyone. Giving us all hope, that America is improving every single day.
In addition, it is because of those changes and hope they instill that I wake up every single day and thank God that I was born here in the land of the free and the home of the brave. A country where we can appreciate the small as well as the large privileges that we as Americans share in. Small things like sleeping until noon, eating ice cream for dinner, reading my favorite book, and going to the movies without a proper chaperone. Or big things like being allowed to go receive an higher education, being seen as a Human being first and a woman second, being not only allowed but encouraged to study and worship my own God, and attending Pro-choice rallies. Basically, I am simply thankful for being allowed to choose. Making my own choices, being a strong independent woman of the United States of America.
There are so many great things about this country. I cannot even begin to list them all. And although I do not agree with everything President Bush stands for, or is doing, I can still say that I stand proudly behind our President. And that, my friends, is exactly the point I am trying to make. In what other country can 47% of the population disagree with the President and not receive death sentences or life in prison? In this amazing country you can have your own views, you can stand up on your soap box and preach for lower taxes, better health care, or gay right and hear many joyous voices join yours to make one loud, strong voice that hopefully President Bush will hear and honor. That is just one of the many reason I am proud to be an American.
As I said, I might not agree with President Bush, but I have a strong faith in our election system as well as the power of the people, and I know that he will continue to do what he feels is the best thing for the American population. I may have different beliefs, different priorities, a different religion, and I may even be an extreme liberal to President Bush’s conservative, but as long as he is the President of this beautiful country of ours, I will always respect and stand behind him. I will always cry as the flag flies and the music plays. I will always chock up just thinking about the brave men and women defending this country with their own lives. I will always be “Proud to be an American”!
What I want to know is when will my peers join me? When will they realize that being a Democrat or a Liberal does NOT make you Anti-American? When will they realize that they can disagree with President Bush, or want more than they already have and still be proud to be American? When will they realize that being young and freethinking does not give them the right to take for granted the freedoms upon which President Bush ensures? When will they join me? WHEN WILL YOU JOIN ME?
Jul. 5th, 2005 @ 11:47 am
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| » writing...babbling...there is no difference to me |
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I've been writing a lot lately, not very well but writing none the less. And that makes me happy. Happy that the ink is flowing back through the pen, happy that the artery is no longer clogged and the that blood is circulating once again. Happy to be writing happy to be free...
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ODE to Anger, Jealousy and Sadness
Anger, to me, is like an old blanket you keep at the foot of your bed incase it gets cold in the middle of the night.
It’s that doggied-eared copy of your favorite childhood book with the pages folded down on your favorite passages.
It’s always there, keeping you warm and comfortable.
Waiting just under the surface, waiting for the white flag to rise, for the bull to charge.
Waiting for the perfect opertunity to storm and attack the enemy, to protect the castle.
It is first to come roaring over the edge,
Sword drawn, blood to be shed, a Kingdom to salvage.
And it also happens to be the more powerful emotion that I own.
And yet today I feel nothing
Jealousy, to me, is like hot coffee with four sugars and two creams.
It’s a fattening double chocolate milkshake with whip cream and vanilla wafers.
It’s something to indulge in, to roll in like a puppy on your old smelly tennis shoes.
Lurking right under my skin, just beneath anger, but still close enough to the surface to boil at the slightest hint of betrayal.
Second to come, never to leave.
Allowing me know when I feel something for someone
As if my heart can’t accept its own feeling until jealously gives her approval.
As if that’s the only way I’ll ever know.
It protects the rest of my feelings with shield in hand and dagger drawn.
Strong in its own right, but often allows pettiness to get in her way.
It exists mostly to feed anger, it is a feast, anger’s nurishment.
And anger allows sadness to join in the meal.
Sadness, to me, is like walking alone in the spring rain on a dark moonlight night, breathing in the fresh clean air.
Feeling the drops wash away the sins of a long cold winter.
Knowing that the water the wets your skin, like tear drops, is feeding the life beneath your feet.
It’s curling up in a cacoon of blankets, peeking out only for a small breath of clear new air.
A small ray of light shinning in an otherwise cavernous lair made to keep others out, and my safety in.
Yet tonight I feel nothing.
These three have become a family to me.
A home cooked dinner waiting on the table for you after a long grueling day at work.
Brothers and sisters to my insides, my entrails.
Like small body parts which I have never paid attention to before, but have always needed.
They are my appendix, my eyelashes, my fingernails, my colon.
They’ve just always been there when I needed them
And I have come to rely on them; anger’s protection, jealousy’s approval and sadness’ friendship.
We have gone through life together, and they have treated me well.
Have given me the strength to get through things I otherwise could not have.
But as of yesterday they have left me
And I feel nothing…
Numb
[[numb]]
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Black wool covers my violet eyes
All I can see is darkness, shades of grey before me
A soundless room filled with my distrust of smoke and mirrors
Emptiness sits next to me smoking a cigar and telling me stories about the days of old
He laughs as he remembers the tales
Narratives of the time I spent and the tears I wept
Over my first truly broken heart
And he surprises the whole world with it’s heroine
Everyone is taken aback when they hear her given name
Not I, it had always been her name upon my lips when I shed tears
A friendship turned more
Deeper, more powerful than anything I’d ever felt
Seen only from the inside as anything but a typical camaraderie
A bond of two souls so different that they ended up completing each other
I dont think i realized i was 1/2 in love with her until this year
She damaged my essence when she left me
Unable to let go of the past
Not capable of handling her future
Powerless to fight for our connection because it just wasn’t who she was
“I don’t fight for friendship, it must be given freely for it to mean anything.”
So she walked away, and I let her
Never to trust again
A curtain of velvet brown hair coats my eyes
All I see is shadows of my former life
A room full of secrets and lies
Betrayal sits reclined on my leather sofa
Singing songs of ruined spirits and massacred trust
Clamor of my second broken heart
This time she speaks words that astonishes no one with the offenders name
The girl who became the light of my life
My first feminine kiss, touch
…love
Betrayal chants words that mean something only to me
Sounds that no one except my past beloved and I could understand
We were never two parts of a whole
Never soul mates, more like playmates
But we loved each other and I would have married her
Little Mexican babies with her hair and my eyes
Seen from the outside as “perfect”
But from the inside I had always been waiting for the other shoe to drop
She took my heart with her when she went away
And ive been living without it ever since
“I’m just not in love with you anymore”
Was all it took for her to kill me peice by peice
So she walked away and I let her after much resistance
Falling flat on my face for the second time
Two girls, two times the heartbreak, always one ending…goodbyes.
Jun. 15th, 2005 @ 03:19 pm
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Drunken phone calls that reflect the truth. Truth that needs to be given a voice and talked about until she can give me a garentee. But i know that there is no such thing and that is how i know i will never love again. Mari never promised me forever, in fact even know i dont think she believes in it. She never offered marriage or babies or true love. She was an "for now" kind of person. But i honestly thought that if i believed enough for both of us that it would all work out. If i truly believed in forever and for always then it could come true. She proved me wrong. She always proved me wrong. I got so use to be wrong.
And now i need that garentee, a promise that this will not end, that i will not get hurt, that it will be good and great and forever. I cant do all of this again without it. I need to know that there will be passion, i need to know that there will be love, i need to know that there will be a happy ending and that is just not something North can promise me, and its unfair of me to ask it. So where does that leave us. Two single girls in "like" but never moving forward because i dont have my garentee and she is too much of a lady to not respect my need for space. So here we are, never moving forward, never moving back, and never really talking about it.
I look at her and i see me, a perfect heart, a perfect soul. If I had made a list of every single characteristic that i ever could have wanted in a woman, North really would be it. She is smart, funny, beautiful, Pagan, looking for a long term relationship, wants children, loves animals almost more than people, nonjudgmental, openminded, respectful, great converstationalist (we can talk for hours and hours about everything from stupid shit, to politics, to sex...its amazing) She is HONESTLY the perfect person for me. As she keeps telling me, "You are honestly the PERFECT woman!!" hehe And it just keeps seeming more and more true.
And i want to kiss her so bad. For two reasons. One, i just want to...shes an attractive woman who i really like, of course i want to kiss her. Two, i want to see if there is any chemistry there. I mean we get along great but for some reason im having trouble thinking sexy around her. She is more romantic and cute and cuddly in my minds eye. I dont see sensual, sexy, raw passion. (hehe) And that is something I NEED in a relationship. I dont just want it, i need to have it. I'm not looking to marry my best friend like many people are. Everyone always says that they want to marry their best friend. I dont! I mean of course i want to get along with my wife/girlfriend. I want use to be able to be friends and to always be open and honest about everything, but i always want us to have passionate, sex at three in the afternoon on a sunday afternoon. I dont kiss my friends, i dont want me best friends. Thats why they are friends and not lovers. hehe I want a girlfriend, a lover, a partner, an equal, and then a friend. You may think thats crazy but its true....
So i'm just stuck in that mode right now...thinking, wondering...taking one day at a time and hoping for the best. I just hope i can get over this Mari shit soon, get over my own personal being afraid of geting hurt shit and move on and just be happy. Whatever that means...
Xoox, Charliee
P.S. Oh and by the way...i am a live and well...hehe just not on the comp much these days and if i havnt seen or talked to you, i love you!! *smiles*
Jun. 13th, 2005 @ 05:36 pm
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| » *stolen* |
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Your brain: 120% interpersonal, 100% visual, 140% verbal, and 40% mathematical!
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Congratulations on being 400% smart! Actually, on my test, everyone is. The above score breaks down what kind of thinking you most enjoy doing. A score above 100% means you use that kind of thinking more than average, and a score below 100% means you use it less. It says nothing about how good you are at any one, just how interested you are in each, relatively. A substantial difference in scores between two people means, conclusively, that they are different kinds of thinkers.
Matching Summary: Each of us has different tastes. Still, I offer the following advice, which I think is obvious:
- Don't date someone if your interpersonal percentages differ by more than 80%.
- Don't be friends with someone if your verbal percentages differ by more than 100%.
- Don't have sex with someone if their math percentage is over 200%.
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 85% on interpersonal |
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You scored higher than 64% on visual |
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You scored higher than 92% on verbal |
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You scored higher than 30% on mathematical |
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May. 17th, 2005 @ 12:46 pm
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| » some stolen...some new |
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I am a bad person....no wait i am a bored person
May. 13th, 2005 @ 09:34 am
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Jesus christ that girl is brave!!!! She just decides to say something or do something and she jumps. Straight off the clift and luckily right into my arms. It was amazing. I admire how brave she is to put herself out there like that. I never could have. I would have felt something, over thought it until i worried myself to death, writen about her under some sort of a code name, talked to my friends about her until they were sick to death of hearing about it, writen her poems that no one would ever read and if they did, she would never know were about her. But i never would have, in the middle of a converstation, just laid it out there like that. It was...refreshing.
So now we have a real date, a grownup date as i use to call them when i was little, on friday night. *smiles brightly* I'm in charge of planning it, so we'll see what happens. Something romanticy, but still fun because above all else this girl is fun! We'll see, i think i want to go downtown because nothing by me is really fun or exciting. hehe But idk yet...i'll definitly keep you posted.
I have to be honest, at first i was thinking only friendship with this amazing girl. I really wasnt ready to date again, wasnt ready to touch again, wasnt ready to connect in any truly deep way. But she some how got passed my radar and as i got to know her better and better, I fell more and more into her personality and her eyes and her laugh. I'm not jumping the gun, i'm not planning the wedding. I'm taking things one day at a time, one date at a time, and more importantly ONE moment at a time. Because otherwise i will worry and think too too much. hehe I'm just going to be happy and enjoy the moments i spend with her.
I hope everyone else is having a good week, and that they didnt get woken up by that crazy thunderstorm this morning. It was insane! I didnt get to bed until around 4 am, was up writing and talking to north on the phone, and then the storm started around 6, so no sleep again tonight for little lizzie may. *laughs* But i will admit it was beautiful and inspiring to watch. I just love the rain.
Got to go for now...North is comming over for movies, junk food, and to talk about THE party on Saturday. By the way, if you are comming can you please just send me a quick email letting me know that you are and if you are bringing anyone. Dont worry about the time, anytime after 8 is ok by me. *smiles* But i'm just worrying a bit about how many people are actully going to be there. *smiles* So shoot me an email people when you have time, and dont forget to bring something, anything because this chickie is still poor and cant buy everything for everyone. hehe I really cant wait to see you guys. I've missed you all sooo sooo much!
Xxoxoo, Liz
May. 11th, 2005 @ 11:03 am
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Well fokes, its mothers day....and i just spent the last four hours on my last day of freedom (meaning i start work tomorrow) cleaning out the garage because that is what my mom wanted for mothers day. *rolls eyes* Can you believe that??!!? Well, two good things came out of it though 1. I didnt have to waste any money on stupid candles or some bullshit gift she prolly wont like anyway. 2. I got free lunch and now free dinner. LOL Fat girl's gotta eat. *sticks out tounge* Plus, liz actully wasnt in mega bitch mode today, so all in all it went ok. *smiles*
Tomorrow i start work. I hate those words. I really truly do. I know i need to work, i mean hello i have bills and debts ect. So yes, i HAVE to work. But i really really dont want to. hehe I know i know, no one WANTS to work. But still...why cant i be start my real life already? I dont want to work these shit ass 9-5 jobs. I just want to marry the women (or man, i dont discriminate) of my dreams and stay home to raise a family. Is that really freaking asking tooo much? hehe I know i know, i'm only 20. BUt what i wouldnt give to wake up tomorrow at 25/6 and just be happy, in love, and pregant. I'm sure most of you are out there laughing right now, or at least rolling your eyes. Silly Liz and all her romanatic, stayat home mom stuff. But to me its not silly and it is what i want NOW, not tomorrow, not in 10 years, NOW! hehe I'm prolly the person under 21 who wants a family already and i know im prolly not even ready for it emotionally and definitly not $$wise, but god its all i can think of as i enbark on my new job tomorrow. I dont want to work there, mostly because i dont want to work anywhere. And not because im lazy, i just want to be housemom forever. I want to cook and clean and do laundry and take my baby to tap lessons or play dates. *sighs a longing sigh* Ok..ok..im sorry I'll stop.
I've spent my weekend thinking. Not about this new job, because to be honest what i'll be doing doesnt really matter to me, as long as it pays the bills for now. Thinking about woman and relationships and emotions and the two special woman in my life right now. Thinking about the L word and that damn chart, thinking about my juliet's last entry. Thinking about my marriage to a woman who doesnt want me. Thinking about my own feelings, my own wants, and my own dreams. Trying to figure out what i want, what i need, and what id like to have. Thinking deep dark thoughts about death and why somethings just will never work out. Thinking about 05/05/05 and how i didnt get drunk, only sad, and how my dream almost came true with the wrong man. And then where would i be? Married, pregant, and not working...wait isnt that exactly what i just asked for? Now im confused, but then i remember he didnt love me enough, and i didnt love him enough to get on that plane and it wasnt meant to happen. And Everything happens for a reason...yes, just been thinking a great deal about a great deal of things...
Wish me luck on my first day....
May. 8th, 2005 @ 06:47 pm
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I Elizabeth Marie Margaret Staten officially have a job!! Which means that i will officially be resurfacing back into the world of the living very very soon!! Hip Hip Hurray!! I start work Monday and my official title is Paid Fundraiser, for Dialogue Direct, working on behalf of Children International, or in short just a dialoguer. *smiles* Basically Children International, which is the charity I choose to work for (there were others, such as WWF (world wildlife Fund) and Plan (who are working on Fighting Aids in South Africa and Asia) but this one seemed to be doing the most good and every time i see those comertials on tv asking me to sponcer a child, seeing the filth they live in and the water they drink, bathe, and deficate in just makes me ill, literally. I have always wanted to sponcer a child, but never felt i could afford it. SO this is my way of getting involved, it is the one i wanted to be involved in.
I get paid very decently (more than hallmark, but a little less than careerbuilder) and i get to do something good. What more can i ask for? hehe Now we just have to buckle down and make sure to keep this job right liz? hehe Yes...
But anyway, now that i am a functioning part of America again, i can come out of hiding. I'm thinking of having my shindig May 14th. Its a saturday i believe and anyone who needs to crash onto sunday can, just be ready to sleep on the floor. hehe Oh...so if your 21 bring a bottle of something, if your not bring food of some kind, thats the way its gonna work. hehe What do you guys think?? Let me know...
I hit boystown,girlstown, and the lake yesterday with North. We are busy bees. hehe Had so much fun, got sunburnt all over my face...ouchie, and stayed up til all hours of the morning eating pizza and being drunk on Diet Rite. lol Its official, i am in love with this girl. I just know we are going to be great friends for a good long time. hehe I mean who else can i have open honest straightforward talks with about anal sex and strapons! LOL...
YAY for friends, old and new...*smiles*
May. 5th, 2005 @ 02:41 pm
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My Kingdom
We met for the first time tonight, the other me and I. And as we ordered our drinks, she looks at me with blue green eyes and said;
"Do you truly know how unhappy you make me Liz?"
I frowned, paid the bartender with my last twenty, and took her hand. We walked over to our usual bargaining table, sat down, and as i light a cigarette I mumbled
"Do not be afraid my twin, I will not hurt you Zil"
Her eyes shone with the emotion that she was using the liquor to hide, and biting her lip to keep control. Then she smiled and diverted her eyes as if shed heard it all before. And maybe she had. I have no new lines to feed the other me. She knows them all by heart. She is not a body keeping my bed warm. Nor another drag from my menthol cigarette. She is not here to comfort me. She is the part of me I hide. I tuck away inside and tell lies my entire life. I promised her many things for the last 20 years of silence. Like a mother brides her only child with a trip to the toystore after church, as long as she behaves. I've told her and bought her and showed her too too too many times how easy it is for me to lie.
"I will not back down this time my dear" She says as she stands strong but very much intoxicated.
She never could hold her drink. But that is not what worries me tonight. Tonight I look into her ocean eyes and fear. Because this time I know she will not back down. Nor be bought with another bloody mary or another night spend with forced self-love. You see, if the other me were a sin, she would be glutony. And for the price of over-eating, over-sleeping, over-drinking, over-fucking she can be made invisible. She will allow the ballgag to to remain in place as long as you fuck her. She will allow herself to be tucked into the dark closet at the end of the hall as long as your bring her seven course meals on silvers platters. She will stand for a lot. Actually until now, she has stood for everything I've thrown at her. She has allowed me to remain on top without a fight. To own her, to enslave her, to beat her into submission. And shes loved every minute of it because for every step I take, I have to give her more of what she wants.
"Ima not asking you to back down Zil, simply asking you to allow me to remain in control of this body. You know your not what she needs." I speak slowly and directly hoping to appeal to her sense of right over wrong. But in all reality I try anything, say anything to keep control.
She brings many things into my life, but they all come with a price. A pint of blood and a pound of flesh taken from anywhere she wants, as long as it doesn't kill the body. I stopped thinking, stopped writing a long time ago. The moment I realized she could hear every word. Often I feel her sitting in the back of my head laughing, but only I can hear her. And she laughs and she drinks and she fucks with me. Because I will not allow her to do anything else. So she sits, tied to a chair with ropes made of hair and she mocks me openly. Until I meet her needs. She screams and it echoes inside my head, causing headaches to arise. She cries and my nose runs. She struggles and my throat burns. She is inside of me. She isn't evil really. Not in the true sense of the word. More like a spoiled child whose always been bribed into being good. And the second you take away her toys she pouts and throws a fit that not even a two year old could top.
"I cant do that, come on Liz. You know you've been losing control for months. Just let me have my turn." She sighs
She's still sitting across from me, her right hand in mine, and her left clutching her glass for dear life. She begs me to release her in this crowded bar. She promises me that if I let her take over we both will be satisfied. She hears me think the word satisfied and rolls her eyes.
"Oh! So much more than that my love, so much more than that" She says as she lifts her drink to toast me, correction toast her.
And I am so tempted to allow her to rule this kingdom that is my body. After all I've fucked up and she promises me absolution. All I have to do is hand her the crown, bow to her will, and kiss her feet and she will fix it all. Do I dare?
I raise me glass to toast her back and open my mouth to say something but remain silent instead. I have so many questions and I want to make her show me the plan one page at a time before I agree to anything. But I know that's not her style. She wants full and absolute control or nothing at all. She will no longer play these games with me. She will no long allow me to rule. She will overthrow me and fight to the death rather than let me refuse to stepdown. She will not fight for dominance. She simply will be dominant. Its that simple to her.
"Do you know what your doing?" I ask her as I slowly exhale the smoke from my very last cigarette.
"Did you?" She returns my serve as if we are playing table tennis.
She starts to take a sip but changes her mind and speaks again; "Never mind, I already know the answer to that. OF course not! All you've done for the last six months is sit around feeling sorry for yourself, eating, sleeping, and watching t. You have accomplished nothing. You haven't been on an interview in two weeks, nor have you been on a single date since that girl broke your heart. You never stepped up. You never ruled this kingdom. You only allowed it to survive. It never had a chance to flourish under you. You were too scared, to depressed, too angered to do anything with the last 1/2 of a year of your life. And I can not stand back and allow it to happen anymore. I just simply can not take the pleasure you give me and remain silent. Ima sick of you, and I will not stand for it anylonger." She stands up suddenly, spilling her drink all over the table and rips the chain from around my neck.
"You don't deserve to wear this!!" She screams as she refastens it around her own pale neck, moving her long brown hair out of the way and smiling down at it quickly.
"This pendant is a symbol of life, of love, of happiness. And you, my dear dear sister are not doing any of the above! I can not watch this disaster anymore. I can not late laziness or pleasure rule our world."
She walks to the bar to get another drink, still rambling,"I can not allow you to get eaten up inside by this poison you keep ingesting.This self hate, this self loathing. She cocks her head to the side, takes a large swallow of her new drink, and laughs at her own alcoholic irony.
I simply sit in my chair, staring at her, because I can not argue with her words. She speaks the truth this time. I have let our kingdom down. I have failed. And as I'm about to say so, I feel this shift in the air. The earth moves violently, the waters flood the lands, the air vibrates, the clocks spin time out of control. And suddenly all is dark. I wake up in the closet, awaiting the bribes she now brings me to remain silent at night. She hands me a lighter and a pack of cigarettes as she shuts the door and begins her rule as queen. As the light fades I hear her singsong " I'll see you again next week my dear" and then all I hear is laughter...
Liz Staten
04/27/05
Apr. 27th, 2005 @ 10:53 am
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My new baby...hehe Can you tell im bored?? lol *throws the ball for Frankie*
Apr. 26th, 2005 @ 03:34 pm
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you are BETTE! you've got an established career, a
significant other, and ethnicity that no one
can define. you're also fairly hot!
Which Character from The L Word are You???
brought to you by Quizilla
Apr. 19th, 2005 @ 12:58 pm
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I was just reading Becky's journal and i started rambling on her comments. hehe So im here writing for real now where i can babble as much as i want. hehe Im scared shitless. I was scared of living all my life being scared. I was scared of living off my parents for the rest of my life and never doing anything that was hard, or that would get me anywhere in life. I was scared of never making anything out of myself, of never being good enough, of never being the best i could be (look at that, i sound like im in the army already...lol) And im more scared of all that than i am of going somewhere to be challenged and pushed to my limits. I am more scared of that than i am of burning buildings and firing a gun. And that is part of how i made my choice. I was spending another night sitting home after being unemployed for *counts* this will be the 5th month, and i decited that i need to do something. Anything to get out of this place im in. I will not be happy working retail. I can do it, im good at it infact. I will not be happy working sales, and i was decent at that too in fact. And basicly those are the only two skills i have right now. I have no degree, i have no schooling, i have no skills, i have no experence, i have nothing to show for the last 20 years of my life. I have no future and nothing to fall back on. My parents have been paying my rent and i have been stealing food and money from the for months. Before that, yes i stood on my own, but i was eating raman noodles and wearing clothes with holes in them. I was poor, not homeless poor, but poor none the less. After living in middle America for my entire life it was a shock to me to not have a tv, let alone cable. To not a computer, yet alone the internet. To not have a full fridge, to not get new clothes every seasons, to not be able to go out to dinner or a movie or buy something just because i want it. Im not going to try and make you feel sorry for me. It was a moving experence. and i am glad i went through it. It showed me how hard it is to live on your own. How unprepared i was to live off of myself. How scary and awful living in an area where people get shot in your alley and where you cant walk alone at night because bad things happen. It showed me an entirely different life, and it showed me how lucky i was and how grateful i should be. *smiles* I got use to it, but it was alot more than an eye opener. Now i live in a nice place, with nice stuff, with food, with new clothes, with alot of the stuff i missed out on when i was living by 26th street. And now i feel like crap. I hate having someone hold shit over my head. I hate all of this. lol SO yeah...i kinda went off my point...but i knew i couldnt live like this forever. I knew i needed to do something....
I knew i needed to go back to school. I knew i needed to get a better job. I knew i needed to find purpose to my life. I knew i needed to find structure. I knew i needed to challenge myself. I knew i needed to do something that mattered. I needed to do something to make myself proud, to make my family proud, to make me better. I need to be challenged and pushed and made to do things that are so not me. I need to stop being scared. I need to know that i am strong inside and out. I need to give something back to this country that allows me to hate my president (and not die for it) and to still love my country and all it has given me. I know alot of you dont think that this is very like me. I am a bit of a chicken, and i normally am very peacable. But to me this isnt about fighting or killing people. This is about free school, free speak, and a good job, a good life. Something to belong to. Something to be a part of. Something to give a shit about. Something to allow me to grow and learn as a person. Something to give me skills and a dream and a future. Doing this will allow me to see new places and experence new things that i never would have been able to do before. It will allow me to get in shape and do things i never thought i would be able to do....
I wish i knew how else to explain this to you all, but im sorta at lose for words these days. I just sat down, went through all the information and something inside me clicked and i felt awed and inspired and i knew this was for me...
Dont worry, i'll be around for another 6 months or so. hehe Gotta lose 50lbs...do i hear the gym calling? Oh...yes, yes i do. lol
love you all...
Apr. 12th, 2005 @ 05:28 pm
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why does does that look in her eye make the butterflies start and the thoughts stop when i know i need to spend all my time thinking
of where im going and not where ive been and i dont know how to talk to people anymore or anywhere when i can only think of her and her wet lips and her curls of a pigs tail and that pig is me and i can only think of two things such as sex and country music and music is the window to my soul not my eyes which only tell lies about how i am taking a sabatical to get my shit together when in reality i am just annoyed with everyone and everything and that means mostly myself because everyone else i know is amazing and beautiful and a wonderful part of my life only my life sucks and idont know what to do about it
it is a weird word isnt it? i mean it can mean so many things including my soul my soul is an it because it knows no gender no race no religion only the fact that it aches for love and passion and clearity in all things. it takes balls to break the law and balls is something i lack both mental and physically. i have a vagina and i am proud of it. my vagina likes to eat peanut butter and sushi with chopsticks while talking about the yankee game. my vagina likes to sing along with cher and flip her hair and cry over a bowl of chocolate peanutbutter icecream with banannas ontop. only she hates herself for being fat and lazy and smug and a whore. i am a whore, did you know? although i do not sleep around and although i wear turtle necks inside i am whore and that sickens me and my vagina. i have dreams of being tied up and set on fire with desire and needles made of sugar cane and rubber gloves and nylon ropes and paddles and dildos made of string...
onemaritwolizsthreedildosfourhandcuffsfiveshotsofvadkasixfeatherssevenstraponseighthoursofamazingsex arnt drinking games fun?
my vagina wishes she was a boy, and sometimes so do i that way i could date girls and not hide it from my parents, my employers, my friends, my family, myself...myself...because all i can do is play hide and seek and never even go looking for myself because no one wants to find me, which makes sense because it takes work to find oneself and we all know i am umemployed by choice not by reason and the reason is my haterd of all things called work or anything not called lay on your couch smoking cig after cig and feeling sorry for herself. feeling sorry for ones self should be a fulltime job and i should get paid in oreos and potluck dinners because a fat girls gotta eat and a fat girls gotta be fat for life. only this fat girl knows if she just lost 100lbs she would be beautiful. many have told her so..."if you just lost weight you would be gorgous" an who says that to people? who tells people that they WOULD love you if only you wost weight if only you were lighter if only you were more perfect, more outgoing, more lovely, more ougoing, more or less than you are now. who tells people that "you are the girl id marry and have children with (meaning let you wash my clothes, cook my dinner, clean my house) but not the girl i'd date (meaning fuck you, love you, cherish you, worship you, romance you, care about you, show you off) who says that to people. who tells people that they cant love them right now because theyve got to take time for themself...who tells the only family theyre ever had that they dont want to be part of the group right now because theyre all fucked up inside and just dont have the energry to call them, talk to them, love them...i do that, its me..and its wrong
did i ever tell you that desite it all, my friends are the best people i know? and that i am jealous (gealous) of them all. Jealous for different reasons and of different things but jealous none the same. where do u think the name comes from, i feel like Lisa sometimes from GI,
"You know, there's too many buttons in the world. There's too many buttons and they're just- There's way too many just begging to be pressed,they're just begging to be pressed,you know? They're just - they're just begging to be pressed, and it makes me wonder, it really makes me fucking wonder, why doesn't anyone ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, or that my parents wish I were dead?"
y does no one push my buttons...
Mar. 21st, 2005 @ 01:00 pm
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| » BORED MUCH!??!?! |
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(WOW!!!!!!! now that is funny...)
(WOW again...very interesting...lol)
(cool...)
(awwwwww.......i love love love this one!!!)
(AHHHHHHHHHH ZAC IS GONNA KILL ME)
(pretty true pretty true..thanks guys)
(wait..no im not...im lucy...im lucy....)
Mar. 2nd, 2005 @ 01:11 pm
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| » *stolen from Liz Panek* |
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Oops, forgot to post this earlier...
If you read this, even if we don't speak often, you must post a memory of me.
It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened.
Then post this to your journal.
See what people remember about you.
Do it. Or else... :P
Mar. 1st, 2005 @ 01:10 pm
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